In Public?

email from nishant govindan.

Sex in Public

Down.... 

Zoom....   

Seee..... 

Seee..... 

The Naughty couple  

Its enough for today…………… back to work

 

 

Waiting To Finish The PAPERWORK!!

email from duby john.

The Lion is just waiting her to finish the "PAPERWORK"

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Greener Grass

email from lalaine competente.

Sometimes you can reach too far!  

And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of,
there is one thing you should always remember.......
Not everyone who shows up......



 
Is there to help you!!!!  
 

Just when you thought all the good ideas were taken...

email from sanjay kashakri. 

If Columbus Was Married...

email from duby john.

If Columbus had been married……
       
      he might have never discovered America…..
             
      do u knw y????
       
      Because he would have to answer:
       
      Where are you going?
       
      Who are you going with?
       
      What are you going to discover?
       
      Why only you?
       
      What shall I do when you are not here?
       
      Can I also come?
       
      When are you coming back?
       
      Are you coming back for Dinner?
       
      Most importantly: What will you bring for me?
           
Atlast his answer would be:
 
”oh come onnnnn......... ok I am not going anywhere!!!” 

Methods for Burning Up Calories

email from nishant govindan.

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
 
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent..... ......... ......... 12 Calories
Without her consent..... ......... ...... 387 Calories
 
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands....... ......... ........ 8 Calories
With one hand........ ......... ......... 22 Calories
With your teeth....... ......... ........ 85 Calories
 
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.... ......... ......... ... 6 Calories
Without an erection.... ......... ....... 315 Calories
 
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.... ......... .. 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot...... ........ 192 Calories
 
POSITIONS:
Missionary.. ......... ......... ......... .. 112 Calories
69 lying down........ ......... ......... . 178 Calories
69 standing up.......... ......... ...... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow. ......... ......... ......... 386 Calories
Doggy Style....... ......... ......... .... 400 Calories
Italian chandelier.. ......... ......... . 972 Calories
 
ORGASM
Real........ ......... ......... ......... 112 Calories
Fake........ ......... ......... ......... 315 Calories
 
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..... ......... ....... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately. ......... ....... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately. .....816 Calories
 
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old......... ......... ...... 36 Calories
30-39 years....... ......... ......... .... 80 Calories
40-49 years....... ......... ......... .... 124 Calories
50-59 years....... ......... ......... .... 972 Calories
60-69 years....... ......... ......... .... 2916 Calories
70 and over........ ......... ......... .. Results are still pending
 
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly...... ......... ......... ......... 32 Calories
In a hurry....... ......... ......... .... 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

Man Without Bad Habits

email from nishant govindan.

Man without bad habits..

Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for
some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the
beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that
the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some
money.
Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have money, But
if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help
you."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He
then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the
beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the
beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the
liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.
Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If
we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offered saying, "Sorry
sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved !! and asked the beggar to come to his home
with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at
least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man,
"Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied..................................................
"My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like"

Walang Magawa

email from sheryl cruz.

Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!
pag namuti, white gold! pag huminto stopwatch!"

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

Couple talking:
wife: hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband: hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife: eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband: hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis si husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife: kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.
husband : so pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.

Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can
turn men into women.
After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MONA!!!

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigi sing  bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na..

Population policies of countries:
China : Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA : we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA : you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!


"SUMPA"
Hindi na makakatikim ng napakasarap na 'Sex' ang huling bumasa nito!
Ayos safe na ako... papayag ka bang IKAW ang huling babasa nito?

 

Life may not be the party we hoped for...
But while we are here...
We might as well dance...Ü

Mom: baby, your good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your
answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo.
ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama
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"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is. To do or
not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which there never to you!"
- words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!
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Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
 
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
 
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako
driver ng funenaria
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1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
 
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
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1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
 
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!
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In a pet shop...
 
Customer talking to a parrot...
 
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag
slide-slide!!!
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Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable?
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige siret na!
Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!
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Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na...ano ang balak mo
itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty diba?!

 

TIRED IN EVERYDAY DOING? Here are five tips for something new¦

1. Sikmuraan ang unang taong makasalubong at humingi ng sorry.
2. Uminom ng pampatulog at labanan ito. Mag-exercise.
3. Tibagin ang bahay at buuing muli.
4. Himatayin kunwari sa daan. Tiyaking may tao.
5. Tahiin ang puwet at magpatingin sa doktor.

***

Sintomas ng PINOY LOVE:

As if walang pakialam pero deep inside, worried na¦ miss na miss na.

Pag nag-text, "So what?" daw. Pero later, magre-reply rin naman.

Pa-erase-erase pa ng # kunwari pero¦ hello¦ memoryado naman ˜yung #.

Kapag hindi tine-text ng bf/gf niya, kunwari, na-wrong send para magpapansin.

Ayaw mag-text pero nagtatanong sa barkada ng bf/gf niya kung kumusta na.

Haaayy… LOVE nga naman sa Pilipinas, oh… pang-adik!

*

Paano mo malalaman kung LOVE mo ang isang tao?

Kapag hindi nag-text nang isang araw, nami-miss mo o nagwo-worry ka.

Kapag may iba siyang katext, nagseselos ka.

Habang katext mo, biglang nagpaalam na matutulog na… maiinis ka.

Tuwing aalis siya, inaalam mo kung saan siya pupunta.

Curious ka sa family niya.

Kapag dumampi ang balat/kamay niya sa yo, iba ang feeling mo.

Pagtunog ng cellphone mo, pangalan niya ang ine-expect mong lumitaw.

Bago ka matulog, siya ang iniisip mo.

Paggising mo, siya pa rin ang una mong maiisip.

Iniisip mo siya habang binabasa mo ito right now¦

***

Symptoms of a CERTIFIED SINGLE:

• Mahilig kumain.
• Panalo ang social life. Alam lahat ng gimikan at mall sale.
• Hayok sa tulog.
• Gadget-addict.
• Sa cellphone, group message nang group message ng quotes.
• Ngumingiti kahit nag-iisa.
• Tumataba.
• Porma to the max.
• Mukhang happy kahit hindi naman talaga.

Symptoms of CERTIFIED TAKEN:

• Walang pera.
• Mukhang ngarag at laspag.
• Kuripot.
• Blooming, kasi, kailangan para hindi iwan.
• Walang social life kundi dyowa niya.
• Boring kausap.

***

Mga PAMATAY na HIRIT

"Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo!"

"May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita!"

"Ipapupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko!"

"Are you a dictionary? Kasi, you add meaning to my life."

"Meron ka bang lisensya? Kasi, you drive me crazy."

"I lost my number. Can I have yours?"

"Angel ba ang name mo? Kasi, you look like one."

"I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?"

PAMATAY na REPLY

"Excuse me, kumain ka ba ng mais? Ang corny mo kasi!"

***

GREAT FACTS

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

Marriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.

They said we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.

The human brain functions 24 hours/day, 365 days/year until you fall for someone…

***

T: Ano ang pinakamasakit na maramdaman kung matanda na tayo?

S: ‘Yung paggising mo, tapos, pagtingin mo sa tagiliran, matanda rin ang iyong katabi.

***

BERTO: Ano ang mas mahalaga, pera o asawa?

ROMY: Syempre, pera! Kasi, ang pera, habang tumatagal, lumalaki ang interes. Ang asawa, habang tumatagal, nawawalan ka ng interes, tapos, inuubos pa ang pera mo!

***

Ang hirap kapag may iniiwasan.

Nakikita ko pa lang siya, gusto ko nang makalayo.

Sa kaiiwas ko¦ lalong bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko!:::::

Lokong aso yun, pinakaba ako!

Me and My Boss

email from simran chaney.

ME and MY BOSS


When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough




When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,



When I do something without being told,
I am trying tobe smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,



When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
He is cooperating,



When I make a mistake,
I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
He's only human.



When I am out of the office,
I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
He's on business.



When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.



When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview.
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's overworked



When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets


what to do?????????????
 

Poems Written by Husband to Wife

email from nishant govindan.

 

Poems written by husband to wife

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then

I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

******

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light .

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

******

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

******

The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

Why doesn't it rain on you?

******

Roses are red, Violets are blue

Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

Not in cage but laughing at you.